#8 The Ugly Truth Diaries – Clovers & Letters

“If this therapy doesn’t bring any changes to my cancer, then I don’t want another one.”

Those words are hunting me. Hurting me. Upsetting me. And they show how tough the last couple of days have been. My mum isn’t well. Her therapy is going great so far but her spirit to fight is gone. Although I know she’s a strong person in the end, she’s someone who’s easily depressed by the slightest obstacle when fighting a battle that seems lost to her.

Swallowing has become difficult now that they’re combining chemo with radiation. Her blood pressure varies each hour, going from extremely high to normal, back to too high and then to too low. It makes her dizzy. Her stomach is upset with the chemo that’s still in her body from last week’s treatment and the radiation makes each day a very long and tiring day. Going twice a day to Ghent easily takes up 4-6 hours. 168km a day. That makes it 20-30h in a hospital and 840km a week. And this multiplied by three.

So of course that would make her tired. And I understand that it does, but hearing those words today, ripped my heart out of my chest and now it feels as if whatever I’m doing is so pointless. Reading a book doesn’t inspire me. Writing takes too much effort. Even opening the laptop is becoming a pain because there’s no energy left.

And yet, when all seemed lost in our despair, we received a nice and beautiful card from someone we didn’t expect it. It contained a beautiful letter with such supportive words that I can’t not mention it. Inside this card, there was something wrapped in paper.

Fragile.

We unwrapped it carefully, curious to find out what it could be, and there it was. It was green and a symbol of luck: our own freshly plucked four-leaf clover.

It made me smile and describing how warm it made me feel inside wouldn’t do it justice. To know someone was out there, thinking of us and willing to take time to write a letter and find that lucky clover is beyond words. I’m so thankful for this gesture because it means so much. It means the world. I know today will be a dark day but tomorrow is a new start. So thank you to everyone who sent us flowers, cards and emails or tweeted me with support. Know it’s been appreciated and they helped us to go through dark days like today.

If you know someone with cancer, send them a little letter or a note. It doesn’t matter what you say as long as it’s truthful and that you’re thinking of them. Because that’s all that matters.

It’s heart warming to know we don’t have to be alone to carry this burden.

So thank you.

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2 thoughts on “#8 The Ugly Truth Diaries – Clovers & Letters”

  1. So glad to see this post — on one hand, the fact that treatment is going well is good, but the whole ordeal of it all making your mom consider not continuing with it is definitely scary. Hopefully she’s just venting and would eventually come around…from what I’ve read, some alternative remedies exist that are less harsh, but the issue is they’re also not the ones backed my experiments and official research studies. Nor are they always funded by insurance, etc…it’s all so tricky. Good luck with everything — we also have to remember that miracles can happen, too, both outside and alongside the treatment realm…

    1. Yes, I do believe miracles happen. They have to. I believe in what I dream can come true (especially since it happened before) so why not miracles too? My mum’s doing better now so I’m sure it’s the chemo in her body that made her feel down. When she’s had chemo, she says everything smells and tastes after it and she can’t enjoy anything without being confronted with the chemo. It also makes her very tired and with the radiation in addition, she’s got it tough with swallowing and her stomach hurts a lot when she eats.

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