Impossible.

I never thought I would say this, but words can’t describe how this excruciating pain penetrates my entire existence and turns all happiness into a puddle of forgotten memories. I want, nay, need to cling to the moments we still have before they belong to the whispers of a painful past.

I wrote these words two weeks ago for they are my thoughts and my pain. On Wednesday, June 3rd we received the worst news. Eleven months after my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer and a month and a half after finding a brain stem tumor, they found a large tumor in my mum’s liver, her lung tumor is back and her adrenal glands are touched with cancer too. Eleven months ago, they told us they would go for the cure. Now they’re telling us we should make our arrangements.

The time we have left: unknown.

The pain and fear of the unknown: unmeasurable.

These are my thoughts, my frustrations and my pain because I am slowly saying goodbye to my mum for she has cancer and every month can be her last.

For a long time I contemplated whether I’d write about this or not. When the news dropped that she had a tumor in her brain stem on April 1st, I wanted to talk about it since I had talked about the lung tumor before. But then I thought: they’re going for the cure again, let’s not talk and think about it and just focus on the books, the blog and making videos. It will be alright, anyway. No need to mention something that will disappear after three days of hospitalization and a very strong radiation therapy.

But now, I feel dead inside. I smile and pretend to have fun online and in some ways, I do have fun and it helps to put aside the sadness if only a minute, but I feel like I owe you all this insight to my life. It’s not because I’m smiling and bubbling with excitement for books and series, I’m not crying on the inside. Because I am. Every single minute of the day.

I’m scared of letting her go (although we’re not there yet. Not quite), scared of a lot of things that I won’t mention all right away and I’m a strong believer that if I can write down my fears, then maybe I can give these feelings a place and stop bursting into tears in my every day life.

My mum and I, we’re best friends. I don’t make a decision without hearing her opinion first. I’ve always envisioned us together when I would buy my first land, build my house, make a home and have children. I’ve always seen her as a grandmother of my children, taking care of them and be ready to give advice when needed. She has never ever judged me before. She’s the only one supporting my dreams, no matter how crazy they sometimes are.

And now, this future is gone. It kills me, breaks my heart that when I think of my future, I’ll have to erase the presence of the most important person in my life: my mum.

It’s just. Unthinkable. Unacceptable. Wrong.

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